dear future little one

dear future little one,

I don’t know your name. I don’t really know who you are, where you are, or when I’ll get the chance to meet you. I don’t know why I can’t have you, hold you or sing you to sleep. But I want to. More than anything in the world...I want to.

There seems to be a lot of things I don’t know right now. All I know when it comes to you is that I love you...and my heart absolutely aches for you.

For the past 17 months, I have dreamed about just holding you. In April 2012, I remember being so excited to “try” to create you...the first time when it could really even be possible. And month after month I thought about it being the last time that I would experience living that “month” not being a mom.

I don’t recall after the first few months feeling too discouraged. Honestly, I didn’t think you would come easy...but I also didn’t think I’d go two more Mother’s Days without getting to be a mom. Without getting to be your mom.

A week ago I turned 24. 23 was supposed to be the age that I would have you. For no reason other than all growing up, 23 just always seemed like the year I would become a mom. And last Tuesday on the eve of my 24th birthday, I remember lying sideways on the bed with Chad, listening to the full 7 minutes and 23 seconds of Jimmy Eat World’s “23”...and trying so hard to hold in my tears. Inevitably, I let one or two squeeze out and roll down my cheeks.

No one else will know these lonely dreams.

No one else will know that part of me...

You’ll sit alone forever

If you wait for the right time

What are you hoping for?

I’m here, I’m now, I’m ready

Holding on tight

Don’t give away the end

The one thing that stays mine

I don’t think I’d be able to document the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced day to day, month to month, as I’ve hoped, prayed, and waited to learn that having you someday will be possible.

As I’ve read and heard from friends and complete strangers sharing their journeys through baby-making, miscarriages, and “infertility”, I really just want you here now more than ever. I want so badly to stop living vicariously through them and their ability to make that big announcement, finding out and sharing the news that they are expecting a sweet little baby. I’m truly so happy for them...and I just want that to be me and Chad someday, too.

I never thought I would ache so much to see a tiny plus sign on a plastic pee stick, and I sometimes try to picture the pure joy and elation I will feel - just like they do - when that finally, legitimately, magically happens.

As more time has passed, picturing all of that actually happening to me becomes more and more surreal. That’s one of the reasons I want to write this down. I purely wish I took dance lessons so I could effectively punch dance out my rage (Kevin Bacon style), frustrations and the moments of heart-wrenching pain I’ve felt over the past year and a half from feeling like I have absolutely no control over making you happen.

Instead of punch-dancing, I think the next best thing I can do is write it out.

I think writing this all down starting now will help me better cope with having to keep on waiting for the day I’ll get to find out you’re on your way to us.

And then maybe those nights when you’re crying and I just want to sleep, I will remember this aching I feel for you now. And I’ll squeeze you just a little bit tighter because you’re my dream come true.

I want so badly to be saying “remember when…”, and holding you instead of another year from now reading this and still wondering…"when"?

I’m trying so hard to just be still.

I’m trying so hard to swallow that lump in my throat that creeps up when I just want to cry.

I don’t want anyone to know that sometimes I really ache this much. I want to believe people when they say they think I’m strong. Some days I think I am...and then days like today happen.

My thoughts are consumed with wanting answers...knowing I can’t have them. Not yet anyway. And my journey is constantly just trying to be okay with that. Not having the answers. Not knowing, but still believing.

I was reading a blog today that had the scripture Genesis 30:22. I’ve honestly never read or even heard about it until today. It probably just seems silly, but it really gave me so much hope.

“And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.”

As much as the latter part would be just fantastic right about now, I felt so much more touched and invigorated by the first four words. And God remembered Rachel. Well, my name clearly isn’t Rachel, but I know that God remembers me. He is mindful of me right here, right now, and He knows when it will be the right time to meet you. And he’s preparing me to be the best mommy I can possibly be for you. Because you deserve nothing less.

I’m sure lucky to have the one you’ll call daddy by my side through all of this. Maybe you’ll come from us, maybe you won’t...but you’ll get here someday, and when you do, you will be ours alone and we will love you more than life.

love,

your future mommy

Lullaby

So many fun adventures, trips and memories have been made since the last post that I want to find time to blog about! But, right now there really is just one very, very special memory standing out above the rest...

My nephew Cannon Lowell Crumpton was born on April 20, 2011. This picture makes me smile and hold back tears simultaneously because it's one of the few times I ever got the privilege of holding this sweet little piece of heaven during his four months of life here on earth.

Really though, I'll cherish these pictures forever. Cannon's entire life, from his first breath to his last, was a miracle. My sister Jasmine recounted his life story best at his funeral and shared it on her blog here. It's impossible for me to make it through that whole post without crying, but at the same time, I love reading it over and over again. I love remembering Cannon and looking forward to the day I get to see him again.

I loved when my sister read from the book, "Oh, the Places You'll Go," by Dr. Seuss. It melted my heart and will FOREVER make me think of Cannon: how special he is, how tough he was to suffer through as much as he did for as long as he did, and how valiant and great the work he has been called to do on the other side must be. I'm posting the entire Seuss story below...yes I loved it THAT much. Every word.

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!

You’ll be seeing great sights!

You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.

Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So…get on your way!

As much of a fighter I know Cannon was, I can't imagine how much he must miss his mommy and daddy. I've honestly never witnessed so much love, patience and gratitude as I did from Jazz and Rod with baby Cannon. I love this picture of my sis and him so much!

I have always loved the song, "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks, but now I love it even more because it makes me think of my sister and her precious little baby...and the reality of FOREVER.

Who would have ever guessed that a person could find a hero in a 4 month-old? Without question, I did.

Love you so much little one! Can't wait to see you again :).