dear perfect little one

Dear perfect little one,

We finally know your name. It's Tayzie Blake Moody. We are elated to be getting to know who you are, we love having you home and we are so happy and blessed you are now in our lives. One of your mom and I's most cherished blessings is just the fact that we get to have you here. Now. That we get to hold you in our grateful arms whenever we want and love on you constantly, whether you like it or not! We love you more than anything in the world.....anything.

Monday September 1, 2014 was the great American holiday, Labor Day. You know, the one where we celebrate work by not working? Anyway, your mom and I were scheduled to go to the Orem Community Hospital that night at 7 p.m. for mom to get some medicine that would help get her body ready for your to come out. At this point you were being rather stubborn, were 9 days late and we were MORE than ready to meet you. That morning we attended the infamous Onion Days parade in Payson with your grandma and grandpa Moody and your three aunts. Later that day we went to Tucanos with your aunt Jazz and then went home and got ready to go to the hospital. 

Speeding to the hospital was all I could think about while we were driving. I felt like maybe if I got there faster, I'd get to meet you sooner. Nonetheless, you still weren't magically waiting for us in the hospital room when we arrived. The nurses checked us into "Suite 16", the biggest labor suite the Orem Community offers and also had a great view of Mt. Timpanogos. We settled into our room and got ready for a long night, awaiting 8:00 am the next morning when Dr. Harward was going to come induce mom. The nurse gave mom the medicine to help her body get ready and we started a movie. Aunt Jazz took some pictures of mommy's big, beautiful belly and decided to head back to our apartment until the next morning. It was around 11:30 at night and mom started to get sleepy so I jumped up in bed to cuddle her and wait out the night. You know that crazy excited feeling you get on Christmas Eve when you know Santa is coming with all of your super awesome presents? Yeah, pretty much that times 1,000.

I was rubbing momma’s belly, thinking about how cozy you must have been in there considering you didn’t ever want to come out, when all of the sudden mom’s water broke! I got of the bed and we double checked to make sure we weren’t crazy and sure enough, mom’s body kicked into gear a little earlier than planned. We called the nurse, still trying not to get our hopes up that you would come sooner than in the morning, when she confirmed that it looked as though you had decided you were finally ready to come meet us! I called Aunt Jazz and she rushed back over as she didn’t want to miss a thing. Over the next few hours mom had some pretty strong contractions and she handled them like a champ. She never complained, rarely didn’t have a smile on her face, and kept talking about how excited she was to meet you. If it was me having contractions I would have been rolling on the floor crying and yelling, so I was rather impressed to say the least. The nurse anesthetist was a little late coming in for the epidural because he had been in an emergency C-section. He was super nice although he did take a little longer than usual to get mom’s epidural going because he was showing daddy how to do epidurals. I think mom would have hit me when I asked him to show me if she knew how long it was going to take. But again, she never complained. After he was done, mom was able to relax a lot as she couldn’t feel her contractions any more. We rested and waited, hoping you would decide to come sooner than later.

Around 3:30 a.m. mom said she thought she could feel you coming down a little further. We called the nurse and sure enough, she could feel your head! You were coming! SOON! All of the sudden there was a new feeling in the room. I think we finally started to realize that we were ACTUALLY going to meet you. Up to this point, it had felt like an event that was so far away. It was hard to actually picture seeing you for the first time. To envision where we would see you, when, and what it would feel like had been so obscure but was finally starting to come together as it was happening.

There were 4 of us in the room. Your perfect mother, myself, your aunt Jazz, and our amazing nurse. 4 people that were privileged enough to be there in that room at the beginning of the most life changing and truly wonderful event I have ever had the honor of witnessing. Mom started pushing at 4:45 a.m. and you didn’t hesitate whatsoever to slide right on down. Most first time moms have a rather long labor, pushing for hours. You and mom made quite the team as she only pushed for 15 or so before you decided to make your earthly debut.

Words. Words serve many purposes: communication from one person to another, storytelling, conveying our inner most feelings and emotions, etc. More often than not words suffice in getting our message across to another person or expressing how we feel. Tayzie Blake, seeing you for the first time… words cannot and will not EVER even start to adequately express the emotions I felt in my soul. LOVE, peace, joy, happiness, purpose, bliss, unity… just some of the words I would choose to describe how I felt as you made your entrance. However, if our souls could somehow magically communicate and you could truly feel what I felt, you would understand that those words do no justice describing how I felt upon meeting you. You were perfect from the second we saw you and I promise you, even when your 17 and you beg to differ, we will always love you and never take you for granted.

I saw your head crowning and the nurse was still having mom push. It was just the 4 of us still and we were surprised how quickly you were coming. The nurse left for a few minutes to call Dr. Harward and he said he would be over in 5 minutes. Well, you didn’t have 5 minutes and decided you were coming out, ready or not. Mom wasn’t even pushing, in fact she was doing everything to keep you from coming out, when you decided it was time. Your perfect little head slipped out and it was apparent right away that your lung were working just fine. I knew rather quickly you were your mothers’ daughter. The nurse had me pull the “emergency cord” in the wall to summon some back up. No more than 30 seconds later, we had 10 people in the room. A bunch of nurses, respiratory therapists, PCT’s, and… no doctor. You decided to come so quick that they didn’t even have the delivery cart set up.

It was rather chaotic for a bit there. No doctor, a couple of nurses scrambling to get the cart set up, you were screaming, I was crying, mom was asking repeatedly “is she here yet”, aunt Jazz was jumping around taking amazing pictures… it couldn’t have been a more perfect moment. Honestly, perfection. The charge nurse jumped in and took over your delivery. She guided you right on out with no complication and on September 2, 2014 at 5:34 a.m., you were OFFICIALLY here! The very first thing the nurse did after she caught you was put you on mom’s chest so she could hold you. Once again, words aren’t going to cut it.

As you may know, getting you here was quite the process. We tried for some time without any success and it started to take its toll. The first 6 months weren’t too stressful but after a year or so we started to get a little worried. We saw Dr. Gurtcheff at the infertility clinic, did lots of tests and still had a hard time figuring out what was wrong. Around a year and half of trying unsuccessfully it got pretty tough. Why couldn’t we have you? What were we doing wrong? And as upsetting as it was for me, I promise you I have a very small true understanding of how rough it was for your mom. She knew it wasn’t her fault but she still felt like she was, in some way or another, a failure. She felt like her body wasn’t working and there was nothing she could do about it. I can honestly say that some of the latter months when we were trying to get you here were by far the hardest months of our marriage. I knew I was at my worst and I think it’s safe to say I saw your mom at her worst as well. So after all of that sadness, heart ache, and the feelings of inadequacy that I had witnessed your mother experience, nothing brought more peace to my heart and soul than to see the woman I love more than anything in this whole world holding her perfect, healthy, and beautiful baby girl in her arms for the first time. In fact, I don’t think I have ever been so happy for another human being as I was in that moment.

Anyways, after mom had been holding you for a minute or two, the nurse handed me some scissors and I cut your cord. Another nurse whisked you away to the warmer where they made sure your lungs sounded fine (although it still sounded like it), cleaned you up and weighed you. Aunt Jazz was still being a professional photographer and got tons of amazing pictures of you. After they were done cleaning you up and making sure everything was working fine, they wrapped you up in a blanket and handed you to me.

Those dang words. I’m becoming more and more convinced they’re good for nothing. That was the first time, that I noticed anyway, that you had stopped crying since your head popped out. You had the most peaceful presence about you and… Ahhh, you were just perfect. You were looking right at my face, probably wondering what that nasty red thing was protruding off of my chin, and I couldn’t stop staring into your dreamy little eyes. You were mine! I made you. A piece of me, was YOU!

I would be lying if I said I had a decent recollection of what happened the rest of the day. I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t slept in 30 hours or if it was because I was just so mesmerized by your presence. The fact that you were ACTUALLY here. I do remember your Grandpa Gary came by to visit on his way to work around 7:00 am and I haven’t seen him that happy in a long time. He had been giving us a hard time about giving him a grand baby for a while and I think he was beyond content that he finally got to hold you. I also remember your Grandma Sherry and aunts came by later to see you. We had some family friends that came over to meet you and Janae, the newborn photographer, came by with Andrea to take lots of really cute pics of you. I also remember that every single person that met you that day, and even since, has immediately fallen in love with you. It could be that you’re a sweet baby but it could also very well be that your mom and I made a pretty cute baby (we’re biased though.).

Tayzie, if there is one thing I wish you could understand now and that I hope you will always remember, is that your mom and I love you more than life itself. We will do anything for you and will always have your back, no matter what. We wanted you so bad! There were nights I remember we both laid in bed crying, holding each other until we just fell asleep. Now there are nights where we lay in bed holding you, smelling your sweet little head, and thank God for the flawless blessing he has given us. I love you. Your mom loves you. You’re going to do amazing things in this life and you will always have our support.

Thanks for letting us be your parents.

Thanks for being our perfect little one.

dear future little one

dear future little one,

I don’t know your name. I don’t really know who you are, where you are, or when I’ll get the chance to meet you. I don’t know why I can’t have you, hold you or sing you to sleep. But I want to. More than anything in the world...I want to.

There seems to be a lot of things I don’t know right now. All I know when it comes to you is that I love you...and my heart absolutely aches for you.

For the past 17 months, I have dreamed about just holding you. In April 2012, I remember being so excited to “try” to create you...the first time when it could really even be possible. And month after month I thought about it being the last time that I would experience living that “month” not being a mom.

I don’t recall after the first few months feeling too discouraged. Honestly, I didn’t think you would come easy...but I also didn’t think I’d go two more Mother’s Days without getting to be a mom. Without getting to be your mom.

A week ago I turned 24. 23 was supposed to be the age that I would have you. For no reason other than all growing up, 23 just always seemed like the year I would become a mom. And last Tuesday on the eve of my 24th birthday, I remember lying sideways on the bed with Chad, listening to the full 7 minutes and 23 seconds of Jimmy Eat World’s “23”...and trying so hard to hold in my tears. Inevitably, I let one or two squeeze out and roll down my cheeks.

No one else will know these lonely dreams.

No one else will know that part of me...

You’ll sit alone forever

If you wait for the right time

What are you hoping for?

I’m here, I’m now, I’m ready

Holding on tight

Don’t give away the end

The one thing that stays mine

I don’t think I’d be able to document the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve experienced day to day, month to month, as I’ve hoped, prayed, and waited to learn that having you someday will be possible.

As I’ve read and heard from friends and complete strangers sharing their journeys through baby-making, miscarriages, and “infertility”, I really just want you here now more than ever. I want so badly to stop living vicariously through them and their ability to make that big announcement, finding out and sharing the news that they are expecting a sweet little baby. I’m truly so happy for them...and I just want that to be me and Chad someday, too.

I never thought I would ache so much to see a tiny plus sign on a plastic pee stick, and I sometimes try to picture the pure joy and elation I will feel - just like they do - when that finally, legitimately, magically happens.

As more time has passed, picturing all of that actually happening to me becomes more and more surreal. That’s one of the reasons I want to write this down. I purely wish I took dance lessons so I could effectively punch dance out my rage (Kevin Bacon style), frustrations and the moments of heart-wrenching pain I’ve felt over the past year and a half from feeling like I have absolutely no control over making you happen.

Instead of punch-dancing, I think the next best thing I can do is write it out.

I think writing this all down starting now will help me better cope with having to keep on waiting for the day I’ll get to find out you’re on your way to us.

And then maybe those nights when you’re crying and I just want to sleep, I will remember this aching I feel for you now. And I’ll squeeze you just a little bit tighter because you’re my dream come true.

I want so badly to be saying “remember when…”, and holding you instead of another year from now reading this and still wondering…"when"?

I’m trying so hard to just be still.

I’m trying so hard to swallow that lump in my throat that creeps up when I just want to cry.

I don’t want anyone to know that sometimes I really ache this much. I want to believe people when they say they think I’m strong. Some days I think I am...and then days like today happen.

My thoughts are consumed with wanting answers...knowing I can’t have them. Not yet anyway. And my journey is constantly just trying to be okay with that. Not having the answers. Not knowing, but still believing.

I was reading a blog today that had the scripture Genesis 30:22. I’ve honestly never read or even heard about it until today. It probably just seems silly, but it really gave me so much hope.

“And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.”

As much as the latter part would be just fantastic right about now, I felt so much more touched and invigorated by the first four words. And God remembered Rachel. Well, my name clearly isn’t Rachel, but I know that God remembers me. He is mindful of me right here, right now, and He knows when it will be the right time to meet you. And he’s preparing me to be the best mommy I can possibly be for you. Because you deserve nothing less.

I’m sure lucky to have the one you’ll call daddy by my side through all of this. Maybe you’ll come from us, maybe you won’t...but you’ll get here someday, and when you do, you will be ours alone and we will love you more than life.

love,

your future mommy

Lullaby

So many fun adventures, trips and memories have been made since the last post that I want to find time to blog about! But, right now there really is just one very, very special memory standing out above the rest...

My nephew Cannon Lowell Crumpton was born on April 20, 2011. This picture makes me smile and hold back tears simultaneously because it's one of the few times I ever got the privilege of holding this sweet little piece of heaven during his four months of life here on earth.

Really though, I'll cherish these pictures forever. Cannon's entire life, from his first breath to his last, was a miracle. My sister Jasmine recounted his life story best at his funeral and shared it on her blog here. It's impossible for me to make it through that whole post without crying, but at the same time, I love reading it over and over again. I love remembering Cannon and looking forward to the day I get to see him again.

I loved when my sister read from the book, "Oh, the Places You'll Go," by Dr. Seuss. It melted my heart and will FOREVER make me think of Cannon: how special he is, how tough he was to suffer through as much as he did for as long as he did, and how valiant and great the work he has been called to do on the other side must be. I'm posting the entire Seuss story below...yes I loved it THAT much. Every word.

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!

You’ll be seeing great sights!

You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.

Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So…get on your way!

As much of a fighter I know Cannon was, I can't imagine how much he must miss his mommy and daddy. I've honestly never witnessed so much love, patience and gratitude as I did from Jazz and Rod with baby Cannon. I love this picture of my sis and him so much!

I have always loved the song, "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks, but now I love it even more because it makes me think of my sister and her precious little baby...and the reality of FOREVER.

Who would have ever guessed that a person could find a hero in a 4 month-old? Without question, I did.

Love you so much little one! Can't wait to see you again :).