Friday, January 30, 2015

dear perfect little one

Dear perfect little one,

We finally know your name. It's Tayzie Blake Moody. We are elated to be getting to know who you are, we love having you home and we are so happy and blessed you are now in our lives. One of your mom and I's most cherished blessings is just the fact that we get to have you here. Now. That we get to hold you in our grateful arms whenever we want and love on you constantly, whether you like it or not! We love you more than anything in the world.....anything.

Monday September 1, 2014 was the great American holiday, Labor Day. You know, the one where we celebrate work by not working? Anyway, your mom and I were scheduled to go to the Orem Community Hospital that night at 7 p.m. for mom to get some medicine that would help get her body ready for your to come out. At this point you were being rather stubborn, were 9 days late and we were MORE than ready to meet you. That morning we attended the infamous Onion Days parade in Payson with your grandma and grandpa Moody and your three aunts. Later that day we went to Tucanos with your aunt Jazz and then went home and got ready to go to the hospital. 

Speeding to the hospital was all I could think about while we were driving. I felt like maybe if I got there faster, I'd get to meet you sooner. Nonetheless, you still weren't magically waiting for us in the hospital room when we arrived. The nurses checked us into "Suite 16", the biggest labor suite the Orem Community offers and also had a great view of Mt. Timpanogos. We settled into our room and got ready for a long night, awaiting 8:00 am the next morning when Dr. Harward was going to come induce mom. The nurse gave mom the medicine to help her body get ready and we started a movie. Aunt Jazz took some pictures of mommy's big, beautiful belly and decided to head back to our apartment until the next morning. It was around 11:30 at night and mom started to get sleepy so I jumped up in bed to cuddle her and wait out the night. You know that crazy excited feeling you get on Christmas Eve when you know Santa is coming with all of your super awesome presents? Yeah, pretty much that times 1,000.

I was rubbing momma’s belly, thinking about how cozy you must have been in there considering you didn’t ever want to come out, when all of the sudden mom’s water broke! I got of the bed and we double checked to make sure we weren’t crazy and sure enough, mom’s body kicked into gear a little earlier than planned. We called the nurse, still trying not to get our hopes up that you would come sooner than in the morning, when she confirmed that it looked as though you had decided you were finally ready to come meet us! I called Aunt Jazz and she rushed back over as she didn’t want to miss a thing. Over the next few hours mom had some pretty strong contractions and she handled them like a champ. She never complained, rarely didn’t have a smile on her face, and kept talking about how excited she was to meet you. If it was me having contractions I would have been rolling on the floor crying and yelling, so I was rather impressed to say the least. The nurse anesthetist was a little late coming in for the epidural because he had been in an emergency C-section. He was super nice although he did take a little longer than usual to get mom’s epidural going because he was showing daddy how to do epidurals. I think mom would have hit me when I asked him to show me if she knew how long it was going to take. But again, she never complained. After he was done, mom was able to relax a lot as she couldn’t feel her contractions any more. We rested and waited, hoping you would decide to come sooner than later.

Around 3:30 a.m. mom said she thought she could feel you coming down a little further. We called the nurse and sure enough, she could feel your head! You were coming! SOON! All of the sudden there was a new feeling in the room. I think we finally started to realize that we were ACTUALLY going to meet you. Up to this point, it had felt like an event that was so far away. It was hard to actually picture seeing you for the first time. To envision where we would see you, when, and what it would feel like had been so obscure but was finally starting to come together as it was happening.

There were 4 of us in the room. Your perfect mother, myself, your aunt Jazz, and our amazing nurse. 4 people that were privileged enough to be there in that room at the beginning of the most life changing and truly wonderful event I have ever had the honor of witnessing. Mom started pushing at 4:45 a.m. and you didn’t hesitate whatsoever to slide right on down. Most first time moms have a rather long labor, pushing for hours. You and mom made quite the team as she only pushed for 15 or so before you decided to make your earthly debut.

Words. Words serve many purposes: communication from one person to another, storytelling, conveying our inner most feelings and emotions, etc. More often than not words suffice in getting our message across to another person or expressing how we feel. Tayzie Blake, seeing you for the first time… words cannot and will not EVER even start to adequately express the emotions I felt in my soul. LOVE, peace, joy, happiness, purpose, bliss, unity… just some of the words I would choose to describe how I felt as you made your entrance. However, if our souls could somehow magically communicate and you could truly feel what I felt, you would understand that those words do no justice describing how I felt upon meeting you. You were perfect from the second we saw you and I promise you, even when your 17 and you beg to differ, we will always love you and never take you for granted.

I saw your head crowning and the nurse was still having mom push. It was just the 4 of us still and we were surprised how quickly you were coming. The nurse left for a few minutes to call Dr. Harward and he said he would be over in 5 minutes. Well, you didn’t have 5 minutes and decided you were coming out, ready or not. Mom wasn’t even pushing, in fact she was doing everything to keep you from coming out, when you decided it was time. Your perfect little head slipped out and it was apparent right away that your lung were working just fine. I knew rather quickly you were your mothers’ daughter. The nurse had me pull the “emergency cord” in the wall to summon some back up. No more than 30 seconds later, we had 10 people in the room. A bunch of nurses, respiratory therapists, PCT’s, and… no doctor. You decided to come so quick that they didn’t even have the delivery cart set up.

It was rather chaotic for a bit there. No doctor, a couple of nurses scrambling to get the cart set up, you were screaming, I was crying, mom was asking repeatedly “is she here yet”, aunt Jazz was jumping around taking amazing pictures… it couldn’t have been a more perfect moment. Honestly, perfection. The charge nurse jumped in and took over your delivery. She guided you right on out with no complication and on September 2, 2014 at 5:34 a.m., you were OFFICIALLY here! The very first thing the nurse did after she caught you was put you on mom’s chest so she could hold you. Once again, words aren’t going to cut it.

As you may know, getting you here was quite the process. We tried for some time without any success and it started to take its toll. The first 6 months weren’t too stressful but after a year or so we started to get a little worried. We saw Dr. Gurtcheff at the infertility clinic, did lots of tests and still had a hard time figuring out what was wrong. Around a year and half of trying unsuccessfully it got pretty tough. Why couldn’t we have you? What were we doing wrong? And as upsetting as it was for me, I promise you I have a very small true understanding of how rough it was for your mom. She knew it wasn’t her fault but she still felt like she was, in some way or another, a failure. She felt like her body wasn’t working and there was nothing she could do about it. I can honestly say that some of the latter months when we were trying to get you here were by far the hardest months of our marriage. I knew I was at my worst and I think it’s safe to say I saw your mom at her worst as well. So after all of that sadness, heart ache, and the feelings of inadequacy that I had witnessed your mother experience, nothing brought more peace to my heart and soul than to see the woman I love more than anything in this whole world holding her perfect, healthy, and beautiful baby girl in her arms for the first time. In fact, I don’t think I have ever been so happy for another human being as I was in that moment.

Anyways, after mom had been holding you for a minute or two, the nurse handed me some scissors and I cut your cord. Another nurse whisked you away to the warmer where they made sure your lungs sounded fine (although it still sounded like it), cleaned you up and weighed you. Aunt Jazz was still being a professional photographer and got tons of amazing pictures of you. After they were done cleaning you up and making sure everything was working fine, they wrapped you up in a blanket and handed you to me.

Those dang words. I’m becoming more and more convinced they’re good for nothing. That was the first time, that I noticed anyway, that you had stopped crying since your head popped out. You had the most peaceful presence about you and… Ahhh, you were just perfect. You were looking right at my face, probably wondering what that nasty red thing was protruding off of my chin, and I couldn’t stop staring into your dreamy little eyes. You were mine! I made you. A piece of me, was YOU!

I would be lying if I said I had a decent recollection of what happened the rest of the day. I don’t know if it was because I hadn’t slept in 30 hours or if it was because I was just so mesmerized by your presence. The fact that you were ACTUALLY here. I do remember your Grandpa Gary came by to visit on his way to work around 7:00 am and I haven’t seen him that happy in a long time. He had been giving us a hard time about giving him a grand baby for a while and I think he was beyond content that he finally got to hold you. I also remember your Grandma Sherry and aunts came by later to see you. We had some family friends that came over to meet you and Janae, the newborn photographer, came by with Andrea to take lots of really cute pics of you. I also remember that every single person that met you that day, and even since, has immediately fallen in love with you. It could be that you’re a sweet baby but it could also very well be that your mom and I made a pretty cute baby (we’re biased though.).

Tayzie, if there is one thing I wish you could understand now and that I hope you will always remember, is that your mom and I love you more than life itself. We will do anything for you and will always have your back, no matter what. We wanted you so bad! There were nights I remember we both laid in bed crying, holding each other until we just fell asleep. Now there are nights where we lay in bed holding you, smelling your sweet little head, and thank God for the flawless blessing he has given us. I love you. Your mom loves you. You’re going to do amazing things in this life and you will always have our support.

Thanks for letting us be your parents.

Thanks for being our perfect little one.

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